True Power

True power and success have only one source, one ultimate Source. There are many false senses of power: physical strength, emotional manipulation, mental fortitude, just to name a few. However, these forms of control can only be sustained through guilt, fear, and personal determination. When the flesh gets weak, or is perceived as weak, pseudo-power vanishes as a puff of smoke into the air.
How does true power differ from pseudo-power? True power persists in the presence of weakness. In fact, true power is most magnificently perceived in the absence of strength, manipulation, and fortitude. True power exposes the innermost convictions of the heart, mind, and spirit. True power supplies a strength that exceedingly surpasses brute force. True power provides a conviction that is more convincing than superficial influences. True power fortifies the mind against unseen vexations. There are multiple ways to obtain pseudo-power, but true power can only be acquired through maintaining a clear connection to the Source of all power.

Why I’m a Christian

I did not become a Christian because some tragedy or extreme trial placed me in a moment of weakness where I searched desperately for some type of purpose or higher power to comfort me in my time of need. I did not become a Christian because I was blindly following the path of my parents, the churches we attended, or the way I was raised to believe about faith. I do not follow a system of folk theology that only deals with how I feel and what I need to believe is true. I question my faith. I doubt the answers that other men tout off at me. I examine explanations and pursue the discovery of rightness for myself. What I have found is a deep, unshakable conviction that there is an intelligent energy of ultimate perfection in all that is good, beautiful, and true, of which I am a part. I believe this energy created everything in existence, that all matter is simply energy in slow motion, that all of our senses and perceptions stem from the unique pattern of energy which forms each individual soul. I believe this energy is love and has therefore given us the ability to give and receive love. As individual patterns of energy we are finite subsets of the infinite being. This infinite being I call God. I believe the Bible is a collection of inspired writings, composing one over-arching message, which serves to connect the finite with the infinite. We each have the ability to choose to embrace the power, goodness, and inspiration of the infinite or to rely completely on our finite memories, habits, and desires to guide us through life. I choose to seek the infinite perspective because I’d rather live in surrendered cooperation than in stubborn obstinace, though I often tend to find myself reverting to the latter in spite of my best intentions.

If I Say

If I say, “I’m going to obey God and do everything He tells me to because I believe that if I continually behave, then God will someday give me everything I want and will occasionally reward me for good behavior along the way,” then I’ll be seriously disappointed. This type of ideology is bad theology. God doesn’t promise health, wealth, prosperity, or well-being. What He does promise is to always be with me no matter how difficult life gets. He promises to love me and give me eternal life. His love is unconditional. His life, however, is contingent on my willingness to accept it and believe. I’m so full of doubt and unbelief sometimes, though, it’s no wonder God can’t get anything good to me. I undercut every opportunity. I expect a mess from every situation, so that’s exactly what I get.

Painting Naked

Call me altruistic, but I believe in leading a transparent life of honor and integrity. I may not have the courage it takes to always be honest with others or myself. I often circum to depression; I fall prey to fatalism. I lose hope. But when I remember that all that is required of me is that I do my best, that I surrender the stubbornness of my will, that there is always a second chance to walk by faith and to believe, then I can humbly ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness to others, and begin anew.

Mine

Where is God in the picture of my life? Is He in the center, along the periphery, or somewhere beyond the confines of the frame? God refuses to play second fiddle. He is the main melody. His plan is the reality my perception must align with. He won’t adjust His plan to account for what I want. He knows which direction is for the best. I can choose to follow Him, or I can end up where He wants me in spite of my resistance and hesitation. Keeping God in the center, playing in accordance with His tune, following His way is always the better choice. So why do I keep trying to plow my own row? What’s the point of resisting the mightiest power of the universe? It just leaves me frustrated, confused, and continually disappointed, and that’s not God’s way, it’s mine.

No Shame

I’m tired of keeping it a secret. There’s hidden sin in my life, crouching in the dark recesses of my past, begging to not be exposed. But I refuse to allow it to shame me any longer. I have herpes. I’m not proud to be a carrier of the herpes virus. I’m not trying to justify the promiscuous lifestyle I led as a teenager that resulted in my contracting the virus. But, as a writer, a Christian, and a self-appointed proclaimer of truth, I cannot allow any part of my life to be withheld from public scrutiny.

Energize

I’m a lazy, selfish and stubborn individual. Admitting my weaknesses is the first step in overcoming them. I have to actively decide to resist my natural tendencies to sit, eat junk food, and think about what I wish I had in my life, or those are the only things I will ever accomplish.
The second step is to know my strengths. I enjoy doing things to help other people. I love to dance, ride my bike, and go for a run. Reading and writing inspire me and make me feel as though I have accomplished something worthwhile with my time. Listening to worship music refreshes my mind and my spirit.
The third step is to know my limitations. If I focus too much on assisting others, then I start to feel bad that there isn’t more I can do to help. I begin to feel lonely and isolated when I’m not able to be with someone else. And I begin to resent other people for not allowing me to do more for them or for not appreciating the service I wish to offer.
Exercise is awesome, but if I push myself too hard or too far, it backfires. I injure myself or make myself physically sick with overexertion. It also takes a mental toll; I decide to take it easy for a while so my body can rest and heal, then it’s that much more difficult to get myself going again. I need to be able to recognize the tipping point between pushing my body to develop greater strength and endurance and burning out my source of enthusiasm.

The Gap

Anytime there is a discontinuity between where you are physically, what you’re doing mentally, and what you believe spiritually, a gap opens within the thread of your existence. People often think they’re saving time or getting ahead by multitasking, but they are actually robbing themselves of the experience of the current moment. When your body is in one place and your mind is somewhere else, you’re unable to experience either place to its fullest capacity. When your mind is thinking about something that your spirit believes is harmful for you to dwell on, then you’re going against your own conscience, choosing your own destruction, and causing yourself a tremendous amount of stress.

Christianity

If you look at the core of Christianity, who would WANT to refute it? Love everyone, yourself included. Treat all people with honor, dignity, and respect. Develop patience, humility, and self-control. Give generously, serve willingly, and live to be a blessing to others so that you can enjoy your life to the full. Unfortunately, throughout history, Christians have sucked at doing these things. But they are the foundation of the Christian faith, what we strive to attain. If Christians would start loving other people the way they’re supposed to instead of walking around judging and condemning everyone, I think there would be a lot fewer people knocking Christianity.

Happy

I’ve struggled with severe depression since I was eight years old, so maybe I’m not the best person to talk about how to be happy. But people who are naturally happy don’t know what it takes to be happy because they just already are. It’s expected, assumed, taken for granted. I’ve had to work to be happy. I’ve had to work hard at it. Happiness does not come naturally to me at all.
The same holds true for healthiness. I’ve been sickly all my life. I have terrible environmental allergies that make me feel like I’m sick even when I’m not. My head is always stuffy, my sinuses clogged, my ears itch like crazy, and I’m continually fatigued.
I also have gas. Flatulence may be a funny topic for most, but for me it equals pain. I get tremendous cramping in my chest, abdomen and shoulders. Plus, it can be extremely embarrassing when you let out a massive toot, especially in the presence of mixed company.
A laundry list of hypochondriac tendencies and actual abnormalities plague me. My spine is continually out of alignment. My back, neck, and shoulders crack incessantly, as do the rest of my joints, except the elbows. For some reason, I’ve never had trouble with needing to pop my elbows.
But everyday I’m grateful that my discomforts aren’t more severe. I could have a life-threatening food allergy or rheumatoid arthritis. I’m totally thankful that I’m not allergic to peanuts especially. I love peanuts and peanut butter and other foods that are manufactured with the same equipment as peanuts. I would probably not know what I was missing if I were to have the allergy from early childhood. But I’ve met people with peanut allergies before, and I don’t envy them. The extreme measures they go through to ensure they don’t ingest peanuts I wouldn’t want to have to deal with.
We each have our own cross to bear.

Purpose

Until I somehow improve my regularity of writing and implement my functional goal of writing into my daily routine, most of my posts will more than likely be along the themes of purpose and priorities. Again, I find myself continually distracted by work and family. However, my calling is to take precedence over all other aspects of my life. If I keep my primary purpose as my first focus, then everything else will fit within the parameters of the time I have left for them. When I obsess about everything I need to do, it stresses me out and I get less done in more time than I could get done in less time if I would simply calm down, relax, and keep my priorities in proper perspective.

Running

I’ve tried to run from everyone. I was sure there must be something better just around the bend. But each time I’d come close to joy, there’d be another problem with which I must contend. For every negative circumstance, it seemed easier to simply blame somebody else. But eventually I’d get stripped away and have to admit the involvement I had myself. The time would come for me to have to take a deep look in the mirror. I knew I wasn’t strong enough, but there was no way to get around facing my fear. I might be able to successfully run away from reality, but the one thing I can’t run away from is me.

Home

I long for a place called home. It’s a place that I once knew. It’s not a particular location, but a place I belong to, a place where I can sing and dance and lose all sense of care, a place where my contributions, I can feel free to share. Arms open wide to great me and embrace me as their own. Oh what I wouldn’t give to find this place I once have known.
So take me back to the place I long for suspended someplace in time. Take me back to the freedom and expression of my mind. Where there’re no limitations or accomplishments to boast. Take me back to where I belong, the place I miss the most.
The smiles on friendly faces, the unconditional love, the hearts prepared to receive me, are what I’m dreaming of. A family of strangers, exchange a friendly kiss. The bonding of united souls is what I dearly miss. They say home’s where the heart is. My heart is torn in two. Half resides within me. The other is with you.

Beauty

Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is an intrinsic quality possessed by all of creation. Attraction, preference, and appreciation are relative. But beauty transcends relevance and relation. Beauty is truth in its purest form.

Encounters

There has to be more to life than reading and writing. I guess as a graduate student you can expect little else temporarily, until your term of servitude is complete. But I can see myself spending the rest of my life this way; making time to exercise each day, planning and consuming meals, yet still spending most of my time with the written word. Words are my true companions and ideas my dearest friends. Though I do hope I never lose touch completely with the people I enjoy. Of course, that’s what facebook is for, right? However, comments, likes and status updates are hardly a replacement for spending time cultivating relationships. Face to face encounters, where you can look another person in the eye and sense the invisible aura surrounding them, might seem a bit over-rated among the regularity of daily encounters. But once one has spent considerable time in deprivation, the desire for such an experience can creep up unexpectedly and overtake the most contented of souls.

Balance

When I have plenty of time for contemplation, I get lazy and depressed. My mind begins to wander, and I think of all the things I would like to have, things I would like to do, places I would like to go. But my purpose here is not to find whatever things will make me happy, provide comfort, or give me temporary pleasures. That would be such a waste of a life. My purpose is to serve others and find every way I can to be a blessing. Those ends require an active life, voluntary participation, radical departure from the norm. When I have no time for contemplation, I get a lot done but forget why I’m doing it. My actions gradually lose their meaning, causing me to resign from them and draw away to myself again. Making time for contemplation amongst my myriad other activities seems then, to me, to be the best option. Keeping life in balance, subduing selfish desires, benefitting others, these are a daily struggle, but well worth pursuing.

Away

Wow, nearly a week without internet and I haven’t imploded. That’s amazing. I also survived flying to and from Wichita, Kansas and three days there painting the inside of my new husband’s old house. Hopefully, the house will sell before his per diem runs out at the beginning of July. We’ll also be moving early next month as our lease on Whidbey Island is finally fulfilled. I so can’t wait. The island is beautiful. We have an amazing view. But feeling stuck and isolated out here is more depressing than the gray, dreary weather.

Prioritize

I want to be more consistent with this blog. I started a new blog site so I could have a place to go every morning to write a little bit about what is currently inspiring me and what I think might be of some encouragement to others. Unfortunately, between grad school, planning a wedding, and looking for a new place to live, it’s been way too easy for me to get caught up in the daily grind of life and lose my focus on what is truly important. I guess the tyranny of the urgent is one plight we all suffer from. It is way easier to rationalize and make excuses than it is to do what needs to be done. Keeping our priorities in order is a constant struggle. We all have more things to do than time to do them in, especially if we ever make time to sleep. Ironically, the more we release our own ambitions, the more we are able to accomplish. Hurriedness and rushing, however, only serve to increase stress, decrease effectiveness, and frustrate everyone around us, including ourselves. So let go of your own expectations for the day, set aside your to-do list, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to appreciate all the beauty life has to offer. And if you happen to get a few chores accomplished along the way, well that’s just gravy.

Choose

There comes a time in every life when you have to decide what or whom you will live for. Some live and die for their country with patriotic ideals to protect family and fellow countrymen. Others live only for themselves in a state of pride and self-importance, usually stemming from deeply rooted insecurity. I choose to live for love, to do whatever I can to make the world a better place within my realm of personal influence no matter what it costs me or what sacrifices I must make along the way. The choice is set before all of mankind: to live in the light, according to the laws of peace and truth or to live in the dark, where there is death and destruction, hopelessness and despair. Any time we choose to hide from the beams of light that may expose our deepest secrets and impure desires, we choose death by default for light and darkness cannot occupy the same space.