Running

I’ve tried to run from everyone. I was sure there must be something better just around the bend. But each time I’d come close to joy, there’d be another problem with which I must contend. For every negative circumstance, it seemed easier to simply blame somebody else. But eventually I’d get stripped away and have to admit the involvement I had myself. The time would come for me to have to take a deep look in the mirror. I knew I wasn’t strong enough, but there was no way to get around facing my fear. I might be able to successfully run away from reality, but the one thing I can’t run away from is me.

Home

I long for a place called home. It’s a place that I once knew. It’s not a particular location, but a place I belong to, a place where I can sing and dance and lose all sense of care, a place where my contributions, I can feel free to share. Arms open wide to great me and embrace me as their own. Oh what I wouldn’t give to find this place I once have known.
So take me back to the place I long for suspended someplace in time. Take me back to the freedom and expression of my mind. Where there’re no limitations or accomplishments to boast. Take me back to where I belong, the place I miss the most.
The smiles on friendly faces, the unconditional love, the hearts prepared to receive me, are what I’m dreaming of. A family of strangers, exchange a friendly kiss. The bonding of united souls is what I dearly miss. They say home’s where the heart is. My heart is torn in two. Half resides within me. The other is with you.

Beauty

Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is an intrinsic quality possessed by all of creation. Attraction, preference, and appreciation are relative. But beauty transcends relevance and relation. Beauty is truth in its purest form.

Encounters

There has to be more to life than reading and writing. I guess as a graduate student you can expect little else temporarily, until your term of servitude is complete. But I can see myself spending the rest of my life this way; making time to exercise each day, planning and consuming meals, yet still spending most of my time with the written word. Words are my true companions and ideas my dearest friends. Though I do hope I never lose touch completely with the people I enjoy. Of course, that’s what facebook is for, right? However, comments, likes and status updates are hardly a replacement for spending time cultivating relationships. Face to face encounters, where you can look another person in the eye and sense the invisible aura surrounding them, might seem a bit over-rated among the regularity of daily encounters. But once one has spent considerable time in deprivation, the desire for such an experience can creep up unexpectedly and overtake the most contented of souls.

Balance

When I have plenty of time for contemplation, I get lazy and depressed. My mind begins to wander, and I think of all the things I would like to have, things I would like to do, places I would like to go. But my purpose here is not to find whatever things will make me happy, provide comfort, or give me temporary pleasures. That would be such a waste of a life. My purpose is to serve others and find every way I can to be a blessing. Those ends require an active life, voluntary participation, radical departure from the norm. When I have no time for contemplation, I get a lot done but forget why I’m doing it. My actions gradually lose their meaning, causing me to resign from them and draw away to myself again. Making time for contemplation amongst my myriad other activities seems then, to me, to be the best option. Keeping life in balance, subduing selfish desires, benefitting others, these are a daily struggle, but well worth pursuing.

Away

Wow, nearly a week without internet and I haven’t imploded. That’s amazing. I also survived flying to and from Wichita, Kansas and three days there painting the inside of my new husband’s old house. Hopefully, the house will sell before his per diem runs out at the beginning of July. We’ll also be moving early next month as our lease on Whidbey Island is finally fulfilled. I so can’t wait. The island is beautiful. We have an amazing view. But feeling stuck and isolated out here is more depressing than the gray, dreary weather.